Photo: Larry Brown Sports
Here’s the link to the first Amway Coaches Poll of our upcoming football season. It’s another piece of the preseason hype puzzle for college football fans across the country. It’s a way to see how other teams are rated by coaches and how those ratings match up to your own opinions on those teams. You’ll start getting excited for matchups that will in no way resemble what the preseason rankings had them made out to be. But really, these rankings are just time wasters where you only really consider your own team.
Yes, poll rankings, especially preseason ones, are all about egocentrism. You pass through all the other teams’ rankings and descriptions because THOSE LOSERS DON’T MATTER. All you’re here for is reading how the media describes your own boys, the kids you have watched on Saturdays for years. No matter what, you’re going to think your team is ranked too low. Florida State probably think their second team should be ranked No. 2 and their water polo club team should be ranked as the third best football team in the country.
I happen to be a fan of the LSU Tigers. This year, the Tigers are ranked No. 13 in the preseason poll. Now, I’m going to put away years of fandom and try to tackle this from a rational, objective vantage point. I need to take a step back and see how LSU measures up with the nation’s competition. Hell, I may even come to the conclusion that they’re ranked too high this year. And then I’ll never write again and go into hiding, lest a rabid LSU fan drink his sixteenth Miller Lite and stab me with a talon from a bald Eagle he killed the week prior.
So, let’s see if we can come up with a reasonable view of LSU’s position in 2014’s college football universe.
The Teams Ahead of LSU
It’s not like the Tigers are being looked over in lieu of junior colleges and high schools. It’s the top 25. There are quality teams across the board. Florida State is No. 1 overall, and they have a pretty good case for that. In case you missed it, they won the whole damn thing last year and are bringing back a fuckload of talent. That talent includes Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Jameis Winston. They are good as fuck, and show no signs of slowing down.
Alabama is No. 2 because Alabama is super talented and coached by the best coach in the college game and blah, blah, blah. Jesus, Alabama, just suck once in a while, okay? Just to be interesting. It took Florida State amassing a generation’s worth of football talent on one team just to unseat Alabama from the preseason No. 1 ranking.
Auburn’s sitting pretty at No. 5. However, you’d think a team that took Florida State to the brink and is returning 17 out of 22 offensive and defensive starters would be higher, no? Well, whatever, this team is still ranked high and a threat for the crystal ball golden vulva.
South Carolina is at No. 9. I don’t know much about this team, but I do notice that they received a singular first place vote. I wonder which coach saw the Gamecocks as the top team in the country?
Oh okay now it all makes sense. Do whatever you please, you sweet angel of a man.
LSU-Related Reasons for Being No. 13
I can’t look at all these other teams without looking at my Tigers to examine this No. 13 ranking. Maybe LSU gets penalized for having the most racist fans? If so, I’m just proud of the team for consistently being ranked. In actuality, we need to remember LSU’s dearly departed players. Gone are Odell Beckham, Jr. and Jarvis Landry, two receivers with enough talent to both be gone by the 63rd pick of this year’s NFL Draft. The guy who got them the ball, Zach Mettenberger, is also headed to the professional ranks. You may remember Zach as that LSU quarterback that could functionally throw a football. The man is in a rare club. LSU also lost running back Jeremy Hill to the draft. That’s 3,082 passing yards, 1,459 rushing yards and 2,491 receiving yards from last year’s team that must be replaced.
It looks like the task of replacing those yards will fall to a collection of young kids who aren’t proven at this level, but do have talent. At quarterback the team will play either sophomore Anthony Jennings or incoming freshman Brandon Harris. Jennings already has a spot in LSU history with his victory over Arkansas in a relief appearance for Mettenberger last year. However, Jennings struggled in this year’s spring game while Harris tore shit up. Harris looks to have more upside, but either way LSU will be relying on Cam Cameron to lead an inexperienced quarterback through some SEC-sized growing pains.
At running back, LSU has a certain recruit coming in. Maybe you’ve heard of him. His name is Jesus Ghandi Muhammad MLK George Washington Crhist Leonard Fournette. The St. Augustine star has already drawn comparisons to one Adrian Peterson. The fact that people laugh themselves to death at such a notion is enough proof that the kid’s got some skills. Just go watch his senior year highlights. Fournette is really good at being faster and stronger and better at football than other people.
And at wide receiver LSU brings in some more Louisiana talent. Malachi Dupre comes in as the No. 2 ranked WR in the class of 2014, according to Rivals.com. Dupre has the honor of being a John Curtis alumni. Based on what that football factory did to my high school, I hate John Curtis. It is a dark corner of society where the fungus known as evil grows. However, I can set aside my Curtis hate since Malachi has chosen to help the home team. Joining Dupre will be Trey Quinn from Lake Charles, LA. Rivals has him as the No. 10 WR in his class. Also, he’s white and fast, so LSU fans just found a new favorite player ever.
LSU will need to replace four starters on the defensive side. That includes one player taken in the first three rounds of the NFL Draft (Ego Ferguson, second round pick of the Bears). This is only the second time since 2010 that only one defensive player from LSU has gone in the first three rounds. Replacing talent on the defensive side has not been a problem for LSU. Although giving up 44 points to Georgia last year is not the sign of a great defense, I will trust the coaches to have the D ready to kick ass.
The Verdict
Once again LSU faces a tough schedule, as there are no easy seasons in the SEC. LSU opens the season against Wisconsin in Houston before playing its creampuff non-conference schedule in the run up to the conference schedule. Aside from the crucial Alabama game that (fortunately) takes place in Tiger Stadium, LSU must also play both Auburn and Texas A&M on the road. While hoping that the Tigers’ young skill position players on offense can perform on the college stage and the defense looking to improve with more experience, I think a fair ranking of LSU should be…
Number one.
Yes, number one. The way I look at it, this team has loads of talent. Les Miles is a national treasure, and his performance art of using football as a metaphor for chaos theory will result in fifteen wins this year. That includes eleven in the regular season, one in the SEC championship, and two more in the national playoffs. I don’t want to put the cart before the horse, but this may just be one of the best football teams in college football’s history.
[starts chugging Franzia from the box]
FUCK THAT. THIS IS THE BEST TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED, PROFESSIONAL OR COLLEGE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL THE CFL. THIS TEAM HAS LEONARD FOURNETTE AT TAILBACK. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT LEONARD FOURNETTE MEANS TO THIS TEAM? TO THIS STATE? TO THIS COUNTRY? ONE TIME I SAW TWO BULLIES MAKING FUN OF A KID WITH LEUKEMIA IN MID-CITY. I WASN’T GONNA DO ANYTHING EVEN THOUGH I FELT BAD. ONE OF THOSE KIDS LOOKED LIKE FOURTEEN YEARS OLD AND HE HAD A BETTER MUSTACHE THAN ME SO FUCK THAT. BUT THEN GOOD OLE LEONARD SHOWED UP, STIFF ARMED ONE BULLY AND DID THE SHMONEY DANCE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER ONE. THAT OTHER BULLY EXPLODED INTO A MILLION PIECES OF SILVER. THEN LEONARD GAVE THE BUGA NATION SALUTE TO THE KID AND THE KID WAS CURED AND HE USED THAT SILVER TO INVEST MONEY AND HE GREW UP TO BECOME WARREN BUFFETT.
LET’S FIGURE OUT HOW THESE BITCHES RANKED THE BAYOU GODDAMN BENGALS SO LOW. FLORIDA STATE? LSU BEATS THEM BY 35, AND THAT’S IF THE GAME’S IN TALLAHASSEE. WE LOUISIANIANS ARE VERY PROTECTIVE OF OUR SEAFOOD, SO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE WILL PUNISH JAMEIS FOR TRYING TO STEAL THOSE CRAB LEGS.
IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF THAT THERE ARE FOUR SEC TEAMS RANKED AHEAD OF LSU. I CAN’T BELIEVE THE GALL OF THESE HATERS SOMETIMES. AUBURN? FUCKING BEAT THEM ALREADY. SOUTH CAROLINA? SPURRIER WILLINGLY CHOOSES THE QUARTERBACK WHO WILL MAKE THE WORST DECISIONS, JUST SO HE CAN SAY HOW GREAT HE WAS AT QUARTERBACK. GEORGIA JUST LOST AARON MURRAY AND THEY’RE SOMEHOW RANKED AHEAD OF LSU. GEORGIA’S ENTIRE BRAND IS BUILT AROUND BEING RANKED HIGH AND LOSING WITHIN THE FIRST TWO WEEKS AND FUCKING THEIR SEASON UP. THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO THINGS I KNOW ABOUT GEORGIA BECAUSE FUCK GEORGIA.
AND ALA-FUCKING-BAMA. JESUS CHRIST. DID YOU SEE THEIR LAST GAME? THEY GOT WASHED BY OKLAHOMA. WE BEAT OKLAHOMA IN THE 2004 SUGAR BOWL, WHICH MEANS WE’RE STILL BETTER THAN THEM. THUS, TRANSITIVE PROPERTY SAYS EAT MY BALLS, ALABAMA. ONE TIME IN 5TH GRADE MY FRIEND ANTHONY AND I JUMPED OFF OF A FOLDING CHAIR AND DUNKED ON THE A BASKETBALL GOAL AT THE SHORTEST HEIGHT. WE TOOK PICTURES OF IT WHILE CLEVERLY NOT CAPTURING THE CHAIR, AND THEN WE SHOWED THE PICTURES OFF AT SCHOOL. I THOUGHT OF THAT BECAUSE NICK SABAN IS REALLY SHORT AND I BET HE DOES THAT SAME SHIT EVERY YEAR TO GAIN THE RESPECT OF HIS PLAYERS.
[Burps. Franzia Box’s cousin Franzia Box shows up]
SAME RULES THAT APPLY TO OKLAHOMA ALSO APPLY TO YOU, OHIO STATE.
ORGEON…THANKS FOR CHIP. I SAY THAT AS AN EAGLES FAN. YES, I REALIZE THAT BEING AN EAGLES FAN AND AN LSU FAN MAKES ME THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD. AT LEAST I’M NOT FROM OREGON.
BRETT HUNDLEY ISN’T EVEN A REAL NAME. THAT’S THE NAME OF EVERY DOUCHEBAG QUARTERBACK ANTAGONIST IN EVERY SPORTS MOVIE. IF THERE WAS A MOVIE ABOUT NEW ZEALAND SHUFFLEBOARD PLAYERS, THERE WOULD BE AN ASSHOLE ANTAGONIST QB NAMED BRETT HUNDLEY IN IT.
MICHIGAN STATE…I DON’T EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO SAY SOMETHING.
BAYLOR?! FUCKING BAYLOR?! QUICK QUIZ: HOW MANY POINTS HAS THAT “HIGH-FLYING” OFFENSE AVERAGED AGAINST SEC DEFENSES OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS? THAT’S RIGHT, ZERO POINTS. POINTING OUT THAT THE BEARS HAVEN’T PLAYED AGAINST ANY SEC TEAMS IN THAT TIME FRAME DOESN’T REMOVE THE ZERO, BUSTER. THEY DON’T EVEN ALLOW TACKLING IN THE BIG 12, MAN.
EVERYBODY ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT HOW SMART STANFORD KIDS ARE. HOW THEIR ATHLETES ARE DRIVEN IN THE CLASSROOM AND ON THE FIELD. YOU KNOW HOW SMART LSU PLAYERS ARE? THEY’RE GETTING TA CREDIT THIS YEAR. THEY’RE ALL TEACHING A CLASS ON SATURDAYS CALLED “BREAKING THE BACK OF YOUR OPPONENTS AND DRINKING THEIR SPINAL FLUID FOR SUSTENANCE.” MAYBE YOU CAN MAKE IT TO THE PLAYOFF AND AUDIT ONE OF THE CLASSES, STANFORD NERDS.
OKAY, I’M GONE FOR NOW. I’M GONNA GO LISTEN TO “NECK” AND YELL AT PUPPIES ABOUT LSU BEING “DBU” UNTIL AUGUST 30 WHEN WISCONSIN REALIZES JUST HOW STUPID IT WAS TO BE RANKED ONE SPOT BELOW THE GREATEST GOD DAMN FOOTBALL TEAM TO EVER EXIST.
Suits and 40s 