Slumlord Billionaire

In the wee hours of Friday, April 25, a recording surfaced of as of now L.A Clippers owner and formerly NAACP award recipient Donald Sterling.The voicemail is allegedly Sterling making racist remarks linked to a photo that Sterling’s not wife girlfriend, V. Stiviano, (Sterling’s living like 2Chainz) posted on Instagram of herself and Magic Johnson.  I guess this means no more cursing at his players, especially the black ones.

As with all matters involving racism in today’s world nearly every news network and person on social media has voiced their opinion. What I’m really waiting on though is that initial inevitable conversation between Sterling and members of the Clippers roster. He better get ready for the Riley Cooper treatment (from DeSean Jackson, not the Eagles organization).  I’ve decided to write a brief screenplay depicting what I think the situation will be like. I call it The Conversation.

 

INT. CLIPPER’S LOCKER ROOM

 

Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, Matt Barnes, and Donald Sterling are all in the locker room after a 2014-2015 regular season win while the rest of the team has left. All three players are at their respective lockers

 

DONALD

(lifting arms) Chris, Blake, Matt, great win out there tonight guys! It feels really good to be back with the team.

 

CHRIS

(staring at locker) Thanks…

 

MATT

It don’t feel good having you back! I guess you forgot that only J.J and Hedo are the only non-black players. Or did you forget about me too?

 

DONALD

Guys I’m really–

 

BLAKE

(sitting on ledge of locker; voice cracking, nearly crying) Did you think I was white when you signed me?! I’m black too!

 

DONALD

If you just let me ex–

 

CHRIS

Is it still okay if I bring Chris Jr. to the games? Maybe him and I should just make commercials and appearances privately now.

BLAKE

(crying) I will too!

DONALD

I said I was sor-

MATT

Glad I stopped sticking up for you niggas

 

Doc Rivers enters the locker room

DONALD

Hey Doc! Great Win!

 

Doc, Chris, Blake and Matt all silently stare at Donald.

 

DONALD

I think it’s time for me to go

Sterling exits sheepishly

 

[END]

 

With that soon to be BAFTA winning screenplay now released for the world to witness, I present highlights from this entire saga.

 

1. Rapper’s Delight

At a pace similar to when ‘Control’ was released or just your average series of DJ Vlad “Hip-Hop Reacts” videos, many artists are chiming in with their opinions on the matter. The initial trailblazer was perennial west coast representer Snoop Dogg (Lion?). The most standalone statement being when he called Sterling a “racist piece of [feces]”. Lil Wayne also threw his hat into the ring and I’m sure more rappers will be soon to follow.

 

2. Donald Sterling’s Wife?

In what looks to be a marriage on the rocks, Donald Sterling’s still for now wife, Shelly Sterling, attended game four of the Clippers-Warriors series with her husband nowhere to be found. From the moment the first cutaway to her happened during that game, she’s been on a self-defense spree since. She was very quick to inform people that she herself is not racist. Which is laughable considering that she was quite helpful in her husband’s housing discrimination playing dress-up as a government employee. She also noted that her family’s priority is the Clippers organization. Yeah…

 

3. Clip-Show

I’m not just talking about the protest with the inside-out warm ups. That was a nice gesture, but I really expected more. Especially considering that the team’s captain is also the head of the players union. Chris Paul has stated that the players union will do something, but has not really stated his thoughts on the matter. It was nice to hear from Doc Rivers (and family), though he did not completely appease me either. When asked whether he thought that Sterling should be removed from the team he simply walked away. I just don’t understand what the Clippers players have to lose by commenting on this situation…other than another playoff game.

Other highlights include Keith Olbermann calling on Clippers players to sit, every retired NBA player in the media commenting on the matter (including the aforementioned Magic Johnson), and a release of an extended version of the tape in question. Oh, and the NAACP rescinding their LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT award for Sterling.  I’m sure there will be more to come as everyone contributes their two cents to the discussion.

To be completely honest, basketball fans shouldn’t be surprised about these statements coming from Sterling. Eight years ago ESPN’s Bomani Jones wrote a piece talking about the atrocities Sterling committed with housing discrimination against minorities. Hell, a video Nick Cannon’s from interview on Dan LeBatard is Highly Questionable posted in July 2013 on YouTube is titled “Does Nick Cannon like the Clippers’ racist owner Donald Sterling?”. Dan Le Batard said in this interview “he’s not good with black people”. I think that pretty much sums it up.

 

*Donald Sterling has since been fined $2.5 million and banned for life from the NBA

 

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Tim Bradley needs to stop playing (video) games

Bradley's corner told him in between rounds. Long story short, he didn't listen.

Bradley’s corner told him in between rounds to stop fucking around. Long story short, he didn’t listen.

I’m no pro boxer but on Christmas in 2007 I got my mom to put EA Sports’ Fight Night Round 3 under the tree. With the game on the easiest difficulty setting I created a character who was supposed to look like me but ended up looking like generic black bald headed boxer because fuck it, it’s Christmas day and I ain’t got time to be customizing my fighters all goddamn morning when I got three other new games to play and Christmas dinner coming up in a few hours that is going to temporarily rip the PS2 controller from my hands. (When you think about it all Christmas dinners and what not should be held no earlier than December 27. I need at least 48 hours with my new toys before I feel like talking to my family again.)

When I stepped into the virtual ring with my boxer who had my name but looked nothing like me I realized something pretty quickly: I could knock mothafuckas out pretty easily if I was patient and waited to land the big punch. This worked for a while. But something unexpected happened when I got deeper into the game and adjusted the difficulty settings. The mothafuckas I was fighting decided to start dodging my goddamn punches. This wasn’t how things worked before when I was hitting the heavy bag in my virtual gym.

Now my punches were being parried, I was getting counter punched, and the big punch that was ending fights wasn’t even landing anymore. After I lost my perfect record and I had checked on my controller to make sure I hadn’t broken in it when I threw across the room in a fit of rage, I knew that I had to actually box in a boxing games instead of throwing hay makers.

I was just a novice to the Fight Night franchise so I’ve forgiven myself for not knowing what the proper fundamentals of boxing were. What I don’t understand is why the fuck Tim “I didn’t have enough money to pay off the judges this time” Bradley stepped into the ring against Manny Pacquiao using the same dumb ass strategy I used on Christmas day 2007. With his unanimous decision loss on April 12th Bradley proved he may just be one of the most frustrating big name fighters out there. Bradley came in looking to land the big punch, and to his credit he hurt Pac Man a few times in the early rounds with some pretty strong hay makers. But then he got greedy. Bradley looked for a knockout when he has proven that he has no real knockout power. The man only has 12 KO’s in 33 fights. Prior to his TKO in 2011 his second most recent knockout came way back in 2007. Basically at this point in his career Bradley has election term punching power, since he’s only good for a knockout every four years.

So, Pacquiao takes the few hard shots Bradley can produce and loses some rounds. Then Pacquiao does what great fighters do and makes adjustments. He starts counter punching and backing away from that game ender punch Bradley was desperately trying to land. And then the favorite son of the Philippines starts throwing those combos. Not no weak ass two piece and a biscuit combos you see when someone gets dropped to the concrete in a Worldstar video exclusive. At one point Bradley got hit with that 10 piece combo.

Pacquiao can throw combos with the best of them but Jesus Christ how does another top tier fighter not block one of those? Pac Man combines solid orthodox style defense with counter punch skills. Money Mayweather has the slickest philly shell in the game. But Bradley’s defense is that he stands still, tries to trade punches, and says “I bet you can’t knock me out”. I will give Bradley this much credit, he can’t finish fights early but he’s not about get finished early either. Bradley weebles and wobbles but he won’t often fall down and even when he does he gets back up. (Shout out to Roy Jones Jr. for coming up with a wonderful piece of figurative language to highlight how tough Bradley is without sounding like a punch drunk cocaine abuser who has no business talking in front of any audience let alone a nationwide one on HBO)

But, Bradley is straight chillin despite getting his ass whooped. He’s shaking off punches to let Pacquiao know that he’s not hurt. He’s walking around the ring with the swagger of a man who wasn’t left so severely brain damaged by his last fight with a crazy Russian that he somehow thought his concussions would help. Hell, I’m surprised he didn’t try to hump Pacquiao’s leg to show his confidence.

Maybe if Bradley had spent less time hitting the taunt button on his controller and more time working off the jab like he’s done in the past, he could have won some more rounds and maybe convinced the judges he won the fight.

He’s either trying too hard to throw punches without defending himself (reckless button mashing), trying to land a knockout blow while getting countered (selectively pressing R2 and blaming the game for cheating when my strategy fails), or just looking to avoid getting sent to the canvas (slowly moving the joy stick away from opponent hoping I can get to a corner of the ring where I won’t get punched as hard). Next time I illegally stream a Bradley fight, I want to see a smarter fight. Bradley ain’t knocking out nobody until the 2016 presidential race so he can’t look to land just one punch. He’s gotta stop looking to trade with power punchers before he ends up sounding as incoherent as Jones Jr. when he retires. Basically, Bradley needs to stop playing games. Or he at least needs to stop playing games the way I did when I first put Fight Night Round 3 in my PS2. But I won’t blame him if he fights the next fight the same way. I’ve had that game for seven years now and I still button mash and throw the controller when I lose.

To The Victor Go The Spoils

This picture sums up my food from yesterday:

REKEFOOD

I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Karl, we didn’t know Suits and 40s did an IPO and now you’re a millionaire. Why aren’t you sharing these dollars with the streets? The fam ain’t eatin’ cheddar biscuits.” HOWEVER, you’ll be surprised to know that this entire buffet of nutrient-rich, muscle-building gourmet cooking only cost me $8.77. Let’s break the cost of this bad boy down line-by-line:

  • Papa John’s Large 3-Topping Pizza (Pick-up): $8.77 (50% off original price)
  • McDonald’s Medium Fries: FO’ FREE.

But how can one get these rare, highly valued goods at such excellent prices? I’ma answer that rhetorical question with one word: TyrekeBall. TyrekeBall is the basketball-like game that Tyreke Evans engages in whenever he is on an NBA court. TyrekeBall uses most of basketball’s rules, but with a few minor tweaks:

  1. Carrying is not only allowed but encouraged. If you get called for carrying, don’t fret. It just means you’re less likely to get called on that next time down.
  2. Running any play except an iso will result in a fine from Tyreke Evans, who happens to also be commissioner of TyrekeBall.
  3. Jump shots are only to be executed after you have dribbled at least 6 times. A teammate who spots up after Tyreke has completed said 6 dribbles and passed to them will have fines reimbursed at the end of the season.
  4. Passing to teammates is optional, but encouraged if you can pull off a sick behind-the-head-wrap-around after drawing multiple help defenders or doing a pass of equal or greater value.
  5. (VERY IMPORTANT) Every time you check into a game you MUST attempt at least one spin move. Preferably while driving to the basket at high speeds. Failure to do so will result in an automatic suspension, length up to Commissioner Evans’s discretion.

Monday night I attended the New Orleans Pelicans’ 101-89 victory against the Oklahoma City Thunder. For the 17,024 (Ed. note: hahahahahaha) in attendance, the game became a religious experience in the gospel of TyrekeBall. While my friend and I had come to the arena for Durant, we stayed for the Tyreke. Last night, Evans showed once again why he is the best TyrekeBall player on the planet:

He did it all. There’s the one-man fast breaks, the repeated and 1s, even a pull up three for funsies. My favorite is the move on Durant at 0:38. Oh, just a little one handed through-the-legs into an inside out dribble that leaves this year’s MVP wrong-footed. He just did it over and over again. It helped that Scott Brooks kept on letting Derek Fisher guard Tyreke. I assume Scott was in the championship week of his TyrekeBall fantasy league and needed to a big game. Well, Scott, you got one. 41 points, 9 boards and 8 assists.

Here are the awards we’ll give out from Monday night’s game, broken into two categories: Mr. Fortyhands and Mr. Broken Bottles.

MR. FORTYHANDS: Tyreke Evans

Well, duh. Did you see that motherfucking stat line I just put down? Tyreke also got to the line 16 times. I think he drew somewhere around infinity fouls on the Thunder. That’s what happens when nobody can stop you from getting to the rim. There were times this year where I legitimately thought Tyreke Evans was aware of my Twitter profile, and did stuff just to watch me live-tweet a conniption, all for his own amusement. However, other nights he turns into an exhibition of dribbles and high-difficulty finishing at the rim. I know in my heart of hearts that these kind of performances aren’t something to hang one’s hat on every night, but boy, is it sure fun to watch. And isn’t this the perfect game for TyrekeBall? 81st game of the season, other team coming off of a back-to-back, and everybody on Tyreke’s team is out with injury. I’m sure someone went up to Tyreke and said, “Well, looks like you’re gonna be surrounded by guys who don’t mind standing there while you dribble to the hole on every play. Whaddya think, Reke?”

My ball :]

My ball :]

  MR. BROKEN BOTTLES: Kevin Durant

Poor Kevin. He had just finished playing against the Pacers the night before, which is never a fun ordeal for any human being. Then he comes here and has to deal with the LOCKDOWN DEFENSE of Darius Miller. He got 25-7-6, but that was a really tough 25. He shot 9-23 from the field and even missed two free throws. The Pelicans played some pretty good defense, but nothing extraordinary. Sometimes the shots just don’t fall, even for those of us who are video game characters designed to break the physics of basketball. I’ll come back next year to see you again, though, Kevin.

MR. BROKEN BOTTLES: Dippin’ Dots

I got some Dippin’ Dots at the game because the turn up is always real. The ice cream was about the same as eight-year-old Karl remembers. The sad part was that it’s just advertised as ice cream now. It’s not the ice cream of the future anymore. I guess that means now is the future, though, so there’s that.

MR. FORTYHANDS: Darius Miller

Darius Miller only had 10 points, but he also had the unenviable task of guarding Kevin Durant. We threw different guys at KD throughout the game, and of course no one person guards Durant by himself. However, Miller gave a very good effort and had KD take a few bad shots. Miller also had 5 assists and 4 steals. Most of all, Miller had the most clutch moment in the game. With the Pelicans up 98-89 with 32 seconds left, the game was in hand. Only one question remained: would our heroes get to 100 points and get all those in attendance free McDonald’s fries the next day? Well, the Thunder inbound the ball to KD, he sees the defense shift over, and he passes it to the other wing…ONLY TO HAVE DARIUS TIYON MILLER STEAL IT AND DUNK THE BALL. HE DID IT FOR THE FRIES, NEW ORLEANS. THIS IS A MAN THAT HAS BOUGHT INTO THE CITY. I BET HE LISTENS TO “DA DROUGHT 3” EVERY DAY BEFORE HE GOES TO PRACTICE.

MR. FORTYHANDS: My life

After four games this year, I finally got to see the Pelicans win in person. I also got to see Tyreke Evans destroy a Finals contender by himself. But most importantly, I got those free fries and then that 50% off Papa John’s because the Pelicans won. I think I’m going to start a TyrekeBall camp to help young kids learn how spin moves really are a metaphor for high school. Yeah, that’s a good way to spend my summer.