As the NBA All-Star Teams are announced I find it appropriate to recognize another group of players. Players who have succumbed to father time’s will, yet made the decision to play in spite of this. Gaining the moniker “veteran” and following the great mantra of Jalen Rose, these men have decided to “keep gettin’ them checks”. In honor of Gilbert Arenas and those who follow him, here is the third edition of the Keep Gettin’ Them Checks All-Stars. Feed them kids and pay those bills gentlemen.
Minimum of 31 years old
Guards: <5 PPG, ❤ APG, <4 RPG, <1 SPG <1 BPM (Jacque Vaughn Standard)
Forwards <5 PPG, ❤ APG, <6 RPG, <.7 BPG, <1 BPM (Brian Cardinal Standard)
Centers < 5 PPG, ❤ APG, <6 RPG, <.7 BPG, <1BPM (Jason Collins Standard)
CJ Watson PG (ORL)
Paid Like: Tony Allen
Numbers Like: Greivis Vasquez
Playing on what looks like to be the next SuperSonics, Watson has gone from solid back up to watching Elfrid Payton and Jameer Nelson try their hardest. At least he has a front row seat.
Steve Novak PF (MIL)
Paid Like: Brandon Bass
Numbers Like: Georges Niang
Remember when Steve Novak made as many threes as Durant? Remember when he led the league in three point percentage? He was poised to replace Mike Miller as America’s favorite old white guy with a sweet three point stroke. Heavy lies the crown, too heavy for him.
Jason Terry SG (MIL)
Paid Like: Raymond Felton
Numbers Like: Sheldon McClellan
It was only a matter of time. The Jet is slowly descending. Success at 39 in professional athletics is waking up with minimal pain and requiring minimal treatment. One of the last five players still in the league who was drafted before Y2K. As he once said though:“Jet love the kids”. He does. Enough to get this direct deposit.
Mike Miller SF (DEN)
Paid Like: Anthony Morrow
Numbers Like: Pat Connaughton
He rose from the grave through extensive rehab in an effort to steal get his crown back from Kyle Korver. The stroke is there, but the numbers aren’t. The question now is what are his aims? Is he grooming Danilo Gallinari as his protege?
Udonis Haslem C (MIA)
Paid Like: Thabo Sefolosha
Numbers Like: Deyonta Davis
Toughness is a quality that now seems to be highly underrated by general managers of teams today. Just like the NHL, enforcers are a thing of the past. But relics should be treasured. For being the last of a dying breed, I salute you UD. You got your rings, now keep getting them checks.
Marcelo Huertas PG (LAL)
Paid Like: Mitch McGary
Numbers Like: Tyler Ennis
This man came into the league eligible for this team. His play confirmed his membership. Averaging nearly a turnover a game, the former Shaqtin MVP candidate, is one of three members on the Lakers’ roster born before 1985. Despite his penchant for embarrassing plays, this man still maintains a roster spot. #GoMarce
Paul Pierce SF (LAC)
Paid Like: Will Barton
Numbers Like: Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot
KG left. Ray Allen left. You couldn’t take the hint could you? You had to go chase a ring in L.A didn’t you? You had to have your family and friends close didn’t you? Join the other members of the Boston Three Party on the other side. Join them in obscurity and being the center of 10-day contract rumors, like Ray, or at the analyst table, like KG, (You had fun with Jalen didn’t you?).
Sasha Vujacic SG (NYK)
Paid Like: Rodney Hood
Numbers Like: Malik Beasley
I miss the old Sasha. Wearing the headband Sasha. Remember what Kobe got ya? It was a ring Sasha. I hate the new Sasha. The limited threes Sasha. Still in the league Sasha? Knicks you should leave Sasha.
(If you’re on the Knicks at this point I’m just going to assume you’re only in it for the money).
Anderson Varejao C (GSW)
Paid Like: Al Jefferson
Numbers Like: Miles Plumlee
I don’t know how LeBron chooses who he likes but when he does he gets his guys. This man, Mike Miller, and James Jones have made their lives to roll with him. Except Varejao betrayed the player/coach/GM/mafioso boss and suffered a finals loss because of it.
Alan Anderson SF (LAC)
Paid Like: Clint Capela
Numbers Like: Shabazz Napier
He’s been on a world tour all across the land played in each and every country with a ball in his hand. New York, Crotia, Israel, China. Unfortunately the New York stop was with the Nets in the last two seasons. His current stop is on the Clippers.
For next season I’m on the lookout for the following players to be on this team for the first time:
Bobby Bonilla Hall of Fame Nominees
The following men have embodied the true spirit of the mantra “Keep Gettin’ Them Checks” in the manner of the greatest check collector ever: Bobby Bonilla. Here are the nominees to join the inaugural class alongside Gilbert Arenas.
Paid Like: JaMychal Green
After playing on the Clippers, when that meant something completely different, this man has earned his money. I’m happy he’s getting it from their modern day equivalent: the 76ers.
Paid Like: David West
Shoutout to the man name “Tuff Juice” who managed to finesse the most dysfunctional NBA team into paying him while he racks up no mileage on his body. Though he is not on the level of Bobby Bonilla and the GOAT Gilbert Arenas, his veterans’ minimum will do him very well over the next three years.
Paid Like: Bobby Brown
Will he ever play in the NBA as much as he does the CBA? Probably not. Will these NBA checks still keep clearing? Definitely yes.
Paid Like: Justin Holiday
The youngest to appear on this list, but just like the Hall of Fame changed its rules for Shaq so shall we for this finesse lord. His youth does not detract from his ability to collect checks. He faked it and he made it. The checks from the Nets are real though.