Keep Gettin’ Them Checks 2017

As the NBA All-Star Teams are announced I find it appropriate to recognize another group of players. Players who have succumbed to father time’s will,  yet made the decision to play in spite of this. Gaining the moniker “veteran” and  following the great mantra of Jalen Rose, these men have decided to “keep gettin’ them checks”. In honor of Gilbert Arenas and those who follow him, here is the third edition of the Keep Gettin’ Them Checks All-Stars. Feed them kids and pay those bills gentlemen. 

Rules

Minimum of 31 years old

Guards: <5 PPG, ❤ APG, <4 RPG, <1 SPG <1 BPM (Jacque Vaughn Standard)

Forwards <5 PPG, ❤ APG, <6 RPG, <.7 BPG, <1 BPM (Brian Cardinal Standard)

Centers < 5 PPG, ❤ APG, <6 RPG, <.7 BPG, <1BPM (Jason Collins Standard)

 

CJ Watson PG (ORL)

Wizards v/s Bulls 02/28/11

CJ getting minutes as a starter because Derrick Rose destroys his body yearly. Credit: Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: Tony Allen

Numbers Like: Greivis Vasquez

G PTS MIN AST PER BPM
33 2.6 13.2 1.4 6.2 -5

Playing on what looks like to be the next SuperSonics, Watson has gone from solid back up to watching Elfrid Payton and Jameer Nelson try their hardest. At least he has a front row seat.

Steve Novak PF (MIL)

steve_novak_march_2012by-scott-mecumflickr-steve-novakcc-by-2_0httpcreativecommons-orglicensesby2_0_via_wikimedia_commons

Steve Novak was the best NBA shooter in this picture. Credit: Scott Mecum via Flickr

Paid Like: Brandon Bass

Numbers Like: Georges Niang

G PTS MIN 3P% PER BPM
8 .6 2.8 16.7% 1.4 -13.2

 

Remember when Steve Novak made as many threes as Durant? Remember when he led the league in three point percentage? He was poised to replace Mike Miller as America’s favorite old white guy with a sweet three point stroke. Heavy lies the crown, too heavy for him.

Jason Terry SG (MIL)

4_jason_terry_by-gennaro-masi_flickr-4-jason-terrycc-by-sa-2-0-httpcreativecommons_orglicensesby-sa2_0_via-wikimedia-commons

Jason Terry during the year where he was killed by LeBron and resurrected as a Frankenstein creation . Credit: Gennaro Masi via Flickr

Paid Like: Raymond Felton

Numbers Like: Sheldon McClellan

G PTS MIN AST PER BPM
37 3.2 17.3 1.3 7.1 -2.4


It was only a matter of time. The Jet is slowly descending. Success at 39 in professional athletics is waking up with minimal pain and requiring minimal treatment. One of the last five players still in the league who was drafted before Y2K. As he once said though:“Jet love the kids”. He does. Enough to get this direct deposit.  

Mike Miller SF (DEN)

DSC_1465

Mike Miller receiving advice on how to destroy his body as much as possible.

Paid Like: Anthony Morrow

Numbers Like: Pat Connaughton

G PTS MIN AST PER BPM
7 1.7 5.1 .9 11.4 -3.3

He rose from the grave through extensive rehab in an effort to steal get his crown back from Kyle Korver. The stroke is there, but the numbers aren’t. The question now is what are his aims? Is he grooming Danilo Gallinari as his protege?

Udonis Haslem C (MIA)

udonis_haslemby_keith_allison_ccby-sa2_0httpcreativecommons_orglicensesby-sa2_0viawikimediacommons

The bulldog in his heyday. Credit: Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: Thabo Sefolosha

Numbers Like: Deyonta Davis

G PTS MIN TRB PER BPM
14 1.9 7.9 2 9.6 -4.6

Toughness is a quality that now seems to be highly underrated by general managers of teams today. Just like the NHL, enforcers are a thing of the past. But relics should be treasured. For being the last of a dying breed, I salute you UD. You got your rings, now keep getting them checks.

Reserves

 

Marcelo Huertas PG (LAL)

marcelo_huertas_gerard_reyes_www_flickr_com-photos-gerardreyes-6784868987-in-photolist-bkyeam-o1wert-ttev19

Marcelinho before he was eligible for this team. #GoMarce Credit: Gerard Reyes via Flickr

Paid Like: Mitch McGary

Numbers Like: Tyler Ennis

G PTS MIN AST PER BPM
19 2.6 10.5 2.5 9.2 -7.1

 

This man came into the league eligible for this team. His play confirmed his membership. Averaging nearly a turnover a game, the former Shaqtin MVP candidate, is one of three members on the Lakers’ roster born before 1985. Despite his penchant for embarrassing plays, this man still maintains a roster spot. #GoMarce

Paul Pierce SF (LAC)

Paul Pierce Injury

Paul Pierce in a position he will continue to occupy for the rest of his NBA career.  Credit: Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: Will Barton

Numbers Like: Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot

G PTS MIN AST PER BPM
12 3.8 12.3 .2 4.3 -4.9

KG left. Ray Allen left. You couldn’t take the hint could you? You had to go chase a ring in L.A didn’t you? You had to have your family and friends close didn’t you? Join the other members of the Boston Three Party on the other side. Join them in obscurity and being the center of 10-day contract rumors, like Ray, or at the analyst table, like KG,  (You had fun with Jalen didn’t you?).

Sasha Vujacic SG (NYK)

Sasha Vujacic

Sasha running from his true headband self. Credit: Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: Rodney Hood

Numbers Like: Malik Beasley

G PTS MIN AST PER BPM
23 2.2 8.5 .9 7.5 -4.1


I miss the old Sasha. Wearing the headband Sasha. Remember what Kobe got ya? It was a ring Sasha. I hate the new Sasha. The limited threes Sasha. Still in the league Sasha? Knicks you should leave Sasha.

(If you’re on the Knicks at this point I’m just going to assume you’re only in it for the money).

Anderson Varejao C (GSW)

lebron_vs_lakers

Rumor has it Andy plotted his betrayal in this exact moment. Credit: Erik Drost via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: Al Jefferson

Numbers Like: Miles Plumlee

G PTS MIN LeBron Betrayals PER BPM
11 1.2 6.6 1 9.5 -0.6


I don’t know how LeBron chooses who he likes but when he does he gets his guys. This man, Mike Miller, and James Jones have made their lives to roll with him. Except Varejao betrayed the player/coach/GM/mafioso boss and suffered a finals loss because of it.

Alan Anderson SF (LAC)

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Alan Anderson playing on his world tour. 

Paid Like: Clint Capela

Numbers Like: Shabazz Napier

G PTS MIN AST PER BPM
16 3.1 11.5 .5 4.4 -4.9


He’s been on a world tour all across the land played in each and every country with a ball in his hand. New York, Crotia, Israel, China. Unfortunately the New York stop was with the Nets in the last two seasons. His current stop is on the Clippers.

For next season I’m on the lookout for the following players to be on this team for the first time:

Tony Parker

Andre Iguodala

George Hill

Beno Udrih

Taj Gibson

Arron Afflalo

Brandon Rush

 

Bobby Bonilla Hall of Fame Nominees

The following men have embodied the true spirit of the mantra “Keep Gettin’ Them Checks” in the manner of the greatest check collector ever: Bobby Bonilla. Here are the nominees to join the inaugural class alongside Gilbert Arenas.

 

Elton Brand

Washington Wizards v/s Philadelphia 76ers November 23, 2010

Credit: Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: JaMychal Green

After playing on the Clippers, when that meant something completely different, this man has earned his money. I’m happy he’s getting it from their modern day equivalent: the 76ers.

 

Caron Butler

caron_butler

Credit: Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: David West

Shoutout to the man name “Tuff Juice” who managed to finesse the most dysfunctional NBA team into paying him while he racks up no mileage on his body. Though he is not on the level of Bobby Bonilla and the GOAT Gilbert Arenas, his veterans’ minimum will do him very well over the next three years.

 

Yi Jianlin

Washington Wizards v/s Denver Nuggets January 25, 2011

Credit: Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: Bobby Brown

Will he ever play in the NBA as much as he does the CBA? Probably not. Will these NBA checks still keep clearing? Definitely yes.

 

Anthony Bennett

anthony_bennett_by_jeremy_rincon

Anthony Bennett the moment he realized Dan Gilbert made a huge mistake. Credit: Jeremy Rincon via Wikimedia Commons

Paid Like: Justin Holiday

The youngest to appear on this list, but just like the Hall of Fame changed its rules for Shaq so shall we for this finesse lord. His youth does not detract from his ability to collect checks. He faked it and he made it. The checks from the Nets are real though.

 

 

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