Y’all. Y’ALL. Basketball season is already back! While we’ve been distracted by the chaos of both college and professional football, and an actually entertaining baseball postseason, the NBA season begins tonight. While there are only three games on tonight, one of those games brings great news: Anthony Davis is back.
The Pelicans’ first overall draft pick in 2012 is entering his third season in the NBA. I’m sure most of us remember what he did last year, but let’s run it back because WOW, MAN, HE IS AMAZING. Our sweet prince threw out these per-game averages in 2013-14: 20.8 points, 10.0 rebounds, 2.8 blocks and 1.3 steals. Anthony was fourth in the NBA in player efficiency rating, putting a 26.5 PER. Keep in mind that Davis couldn’t buy a Budweiser to celebrate his dopeness until March 11 of this year. Let’s go ahead and make a list of all the players in NBA history who posted a higher Win Share in their age-20 seasons than Anthony Davis’s 10.4: LeBron James (14.3) and Magic Johnson (10.5). That’s it. When he’s already putting himself in that kind of company, you need a permanent morphine injection to not be excited for this season. (Hat tip to ESPN Stats & Info for that nice stat on age-20 Win Shares)
With the improvement that we saw from Year One to Year Two, as well as what we saw from Anthony during the FIBA Wold Cup this summer, it’s fair to assume Anthony will nudge himself into the truly upper echelon of NBA players. He may still be a notch below the LBJ/KD tier, but that’s it. It’s those two and then AD, at the least. If the Pelicans stay healthy and play better than expected, we’re talking about Anthony being a true MVP candidate. And this isn’t homerism. Every person who watches basketball is predicting Anthony is the next One in line, even if he doesn’t quite reach LeBron or Durant this year. Don’t believe me? Hear it from the human cheat code himself:
Durant, a friend of Davis and a teammate on the USA team that won gold at the 2012 Olympics, explained that his return text was simply a recognition of Davis’ sky-high promise and potential. The 6-foot-10, 238-pounder was one of the league’s most improved players in 2013-14, averaging 20.8 points, 10.0 rebounds and a league-leading 2.8 blocks.
“I know how good he’s going to be,” the four-time NBA scoring champion said, after a USA Basketball practice. “I know how good he is now, but I know how good he’s going to be. He’s an MVP-caliber player. So he’s next. He’s next in line – a guy that has grown so much in just a year. I’m excited to see what he does from here. He’s definitely on pace.”
I literally know one person who isn’t expecting greatness out of Anthony Davis. He’s my oldest friend, and he really watches a lot of basketball and knows it well. He’s the only person who doesn’t think Davis will be a league MVP one day. Of course, he’s a Mavericks fan, so I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s in denial.
Well, now that we’ve established that Anthony Davis is the bee’s knees and is going to turn this season into an 82-game interpretive performance of Run the Jewels 2, we have to go about giving him a nickname. Of course, there’s the Brow. It’s been around for as long as we’ve known him, and I appreciate him sticking to his guns. Very brand of him. We don’t have to discard the Brow name, but it doesn’t hurt to throw out a few more for him. Another friend has taken to calling Anthony DOW. I was perplexed at first, but he explained that it’s an acronym for Destroyer of Worlds, which is what multiple people have been calling Anthony. Does it fit? I mean, you watch this shit and tell me.
Yeah, I think DOW is a pretty goddamn fitting name. Also, here is a nice tidbit. The Dow Jones Industrial Average was at 12,880.09 on June 29, 2012, the day after Anthony officially joined New Orleans.
Now? 16,897.39, BITCH. Do you think that’s a coincidence? Yeah, me neither. Based on what I expect DOW to do this year in the NBA, here’s my expectation for the Dow Jones next year at NBA tipoff: 3 HUNNA THOUSAND MILLION. ANTHONY DAVIS SINGLEHANDEDLY SKYROCKETING OBAMA’S APPROVAL RATING INTO THE (SUITS AND) FORTIES. CHI-TOWN ALWAYS GOT YOU, BARACK.
So, DOW is a great name. Nothing wrong with taking it and running with it. I’ll use DOW every now and then because it’s so fun. But me, I think I’ve got one that I think fits AD even better. I’m going to start calling Anthony Davis “Altron.” If you don’t know what Altron is then you can go all the way to Russia, you freedom-hating fascist. Here, lemme show you what Altron is.
(SIDEBAR: You’ll notice that video is titled “altron gundam the green dragon 1.” Does that mean that there are two other videos Altron made by this same person? You bet your sweet ass there are. Are the other two videos also scored by Godsmack’s “I Stand Alone?” OF COURSE THEY ARE.)
In case you’re still a bit lost, Altron is the big robot thing blowing up all the other big robot things. See, Altron is a mobile suit Gundam from Gundam Wing, an excellent anime that made the Gundam franchise popular in the United States. Altron is an update of another Gundam, but most importantly for what we’re doing, one of Altron’s signature armaments are his Dragon Fangs that extend from the mobile suits arms and destroy other mobile suits in hand-to-hand combat. Remind you of anything?
Yeah, thought so. The more I watch Anthony and Altron back to back, the more I get each confused. Monty Williams’s suits in the background is the only way to distinguish one form the other at this point. Seriously, somebody help me out here.
THEY ARE ONE IN THE SAME. ALL HAIL ALTRON-THONY DAVIS, MORTALS.
So, those are some new, fun names we can call AD. Some will always call him Brow, some will call him the DOW and others will break rhyme scheme and call him Altron. Soon, enough, we’ll all have a nickname we can all agree on: MVP.