Shady’s Five Victims, Week 1

Welcome to Shady’s Five Victims! This is going to be a weekly article where we present GIFs of LeSean McCoy shaking the dog shit out of people. I’m calling it “Shady’s Five Victims” because the laws of physics say that McCoy will break ankles at least five times a game. This is gonna be all fun and games until an NFL player sees us clowning him and then comes and fades me when his team plays in New Orleans.

1. Victim: Telvin Smith

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You gotta watch this one closely. Look at how Shady jumps to cut in, then bounces out. However, he doesn’t bounce all the way outside. He just hops out to the other side of Jason Kelce, essentially jumping one gap over. WRONG GAP, TELVIN. STREETS IS ROUGH, TELVIN.

2. Victim: LaRoy Reynolds

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Oh man, the cutback. Poor LaRoy. He was really giving the whole “contain” idea an honest effort. And then Shady reduced that idea to rubble. Reynolds probably really thought he had a TFL lined up for himself here. Unfortunately, all he got was an L. Don’t worry, LaRoy. You’re not the first person to suffer this fate, and you won’t be the last. (I imagine his response here is, “OF COURSE I’M NOT THE LAST. YOU SAID FIVE VICTIMS AND YOU’RE ONLY ON NUMBER TWO, YOU PRICK.” LaRoy Reynolds yells a lot in my vision of him.)

3. Victim: Abry Jones

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Oh, the first slider of the year. It’s one thing to put a move on somebody. It’s another to send them skidding on their knees. Wait did GIFs exist before LeSean McCoy or did Al Gore invent them so we could watch these moves over and over again? I’m not a history buff, and I like that version of events better.

4. Victim: Winston Guy Jr.

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Another play, another spit in the face of a contain assignment. I like McCoy’s triple-jump there. He presses two holes before saying “fuck it, time to do something awesome,” and cuts back across the field. If he was really real he would have turned that into an option play with Foles being the pitch man. This is why you need to hire me as an offensive assistant, Chip. I got ideas, man.

5. Victim: Josh Evans and Telvin Smith

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SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS. TWO-FER! You thought we was done with you, Telvin? NAH, PLAYER. Shouldn’ta got caught sleeping again, man. Fun fact: after this play Telvin Smith teleported to purgatory where the rules are he gets to try over and over to tackle LeSean McCoy. If he does it once he gets to go to Heaven. Telvin Smith is still not in Heaven.

So, there’s our inaugural episode of Shady’s Five Victims. So, what did we learn? Well, probably best to not try to tackle LeSean McCoy one-on-one. I know, “being a warrior” and “effort” and all that shit, but it just ain’t worth it man (kind of like being his waiter). Also, we learned that on a day when McCoy got 74 yards, averaged 3.5 yards per carry and was generally bottled up, I will still talk mad shit about professional athletes who are infinitely more accomplished than I am.

BONUS MISCELLANEOUS GIF:

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Here’s an extra one because I think the little things are funny. This is Jeff Maehl, the Eagles’ wide receiver, coming in close for motion. At the snap he chips the shit out of Chris Clemons, knocking him down. That is pretty hilarious in itself, just with the size difference and the fact that coaches nominated Maehl to go do that. Such is life as the fifth receiver on a depth chart, man. But it gets better. Down but not out, Clemons says, “Fuck that. If you’re gonna take me down you’re coming with me,” and just grabs Maehl’s leg and trips him. Football is wonderful.

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