So in less than 12 hours our boys, the United States Men’s National Team, takes on Belgium in the Round of 16 of the World Cup. It is one of the biggest games in U.S. soccer history. I am taking no shortcuts in preparation for this matchup. I’ll put this out there: Belgium is stupidly talented, and are in their Golden Generation. However, that does not mean that the United States cannot advance to the quarterfinals. While Belgium are the favorite, our boys are no pushovers, and we are ‘MERICAN. We have conquered more imposing threats than this before (whatup England). Think about this: our best player entering the tournament, Michael Bradley, has played nowhere near his ability or promise, and we still ADVANCED FROM THE GROUP OF FUCKING DEATH. We must trust our sweet prince to get reacquainted with his pressing, passing maniac form. If he can, our team is a whole other gang of problems for anyone in our path, especially since Omar Gonzalez is not here for the fuck shit in the penalty box and Jermaine Jones has become Christ Incarnate.
However, I’m not here to talk tactics for our team. I’m here to mentally prepare you for the U.S.-Belgium matchup. And by mentally prepare I mean make you ready to duff the shit out of anybody who even dares to say Bruges is a nice city before Tuesday. Look, after today’s game, I have no beef with Belgium. But for now we are at FUCKING WAR with Belgium. My goal is simple: After you read this and follow the instructions, you will see any motherfucker eating a waffle, grab it and stomp the shit out of it while you look that person right in their weakass eyes.
Now, for the mental preparation. I have found that nothing gets me ready for conflict/victory like gangster rap. Many rock songs get the adrenaline pumping, but the hyper-aggressive, violent form of rappers talking tough shit gets me ready to drop kick a cop car like nothing else. Just trust me: motherfuckers from the hood know how to make your ass get hyped up. Memory Foam innovators try to aspire to reach the softness that I embody. I am a 4-ply motherfucker. However, even if my bitchass follows these instructions before the game, I will fade the shit out of anybody repping Belgium.
Matter of fact, shout out to my ex who studied abroad in Belgium. Tell your ex-boyfriend from there he can find me Uptown New Orleans whenever he wants. I’m here all day, every day, and ain’t ever been scared of nothing. 1-7 shit.
Speaking of 1-7 shit, the first thing you should listen to is Lil Wayne’s Dedication 2 mixtape. Now is a good time to break down when you should start this preparation. Here is the breakdown:
1:17:22 – Dedication 2
1:09:32 – Get Rich or Die Tryin’
1:08:58 – Ready to Die
If you don’t know the artist for these works, you never stood a chance and might as well cheer for Belgium because you’ve already failed our nation. The total time for these three albums is 3:44:56. Subtracting that from the start time of 3 p.m. Central (We fuck with Central Time on Suits and 40s cause that’s where the realest is), we end up with starting at 11:15:04 a.m. HOWEVER, we must account for a few variables. First, Argentina-Switzerland starts at 11 a.m. I assume many will wanna watch with match audio. I’ve allotted 1:50 for that game. Furthermore, we don’t want to finish this hype shit right when the game starts. If you really want our boys to stomp Belgium, you’ll be singing the national anthem beforehand. As such, I’ve docked another 10 minutes from the plan. One should start turning up to this soundtrack at 9:05:04 a.m. CST. Start drinking at this time as well, if that’s your persuasion. In my field studies I’ve found that sobriety is inversely related to one’s volume. We need all the screaming and chanting that we can afford.
Here are your specific tips to synching the soundtrack with your prep:
“Spitter” (Wayne)- Honor one of Wayne’s hottest ever verses by watching U.S.-Ghana highlights from this year. OMG JOHN BROOKS REALLY HEADED THAT SHIT IN FUCK GHANA FUCK GHANA FUCCCCKKKK GHAAAAANNNNNAAAAAA
“Georgia…Bush” (Wayne)- If this song doesn’t rile you up I honestly hate you. If you’re not from the NOLA area it may affect you differently, but still, it is a riveting and moving song to anybody with any sense of humanity. For the person cheering for the #USMNT, just bump this shit and stare at a picture of Marouane Fellaini. If that don’t get you ready to fuck a Belgian up then you deserve to get choke slammed by Juvenile.
“Many Men” (50)- Watch Ghana defeating us in the last two World Cups while you listen to this. Trust me, you will hate them even more than usual. And then you’ll think “But Ghana got hit like we got hit but they ain’t fuckin breathin'” and you’ll hug your puppy.
“Heat” (50)- Listen to this while just listening to general USMNT highlights. Just to let these Belgians know that if “I catch you slippin’ I’ma kill you.” Also that we have a Benz with bulletproof windows, a bulletproof vest and a bulletproof hat.
“Back Down” (50)- Listen to 50 fucking Ja Rule’s life up while watching any one of our boys’ many 2-0 wins over Mexico. Or even our 1-0 victory at La Azteca cause HAHAHAHA MEXICO YOU LOST YOU’RE OUT OF THE WORLD CUP HOW DOES IT FEEL CAUSE WE STILL OUTCHERE BITCHES.
“Warning” (B.I.G.)- Listent to this while watching Belgium highlights just to remind yourself that these cats are actually really talented, are trying to win and they wanna stick us for our paper.
“Ready to Die” (B.I.G.)- Just don’t even look at soccer videos. Close your eyes as hard as you can, get a headache and let this song play and then blame everything on the first Belgian person you think of.
Again, you must listen to all of these in the context of their entire albums. If I measured time correctly, then listening won’t be a problem, even with the Argentina-Switzerland break. If I didn’t, well fuck you, I just spent 4 horus listening to violent music, do you really want those problems with me, bitch? (Disregard the thing about me being soft plz) And finally, here is how we end the listening party, right before Francis Scott Key’s true gangster anthem start bumping and we ALL sing that shit with pride.
Watch highlights from Belgium’s 4-2 win over the U.S. from 2013. As you turn those highlights on, put on “Who Shot Ya?” by Biggie. This is 100% guaranteed to make you want to carve an American flag into a Belgian’s head. Seriously, Biggie is so real. God I miss him so much. WE’RE GONNA WIN THIS SHIT FOR CHRISTOPHER FUCKING WALLACE, Y’ALL. I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN. REST IN PEACE BIGGIE AND ALSO GOOD-AT-RAPPING-LIL-WAYNE.
DISCLAIMER: Guys don’t actually commit acts of violence against any Belgians. It’s just soccer, and they want to win just as badly as we do. Belgians are good people. Also they’re super soft anyways so you fading one is still basically catching an L for yourself.
DISCLAIMER 2: Still Necessary: