By now we’re all pretty up to date on the Donald Sterling situation. First there were the tapes. Then there was NBA Commissioner Adam Silver’s banhammer. Now it’s in the super exciting stages of court threats, suits and countersuits! Today Sterling’s attorney said that he doesn’t accept the NBA’s sanctions and may take this shit to
the streets court. Meanwhile, Shelly Sterling (who is not just complicit but a key component in Donald’s racism) is vowing to fight to retain her stake in the Clippers organizations. This is all the saddest thing in basketball and makes me want to sob into my Marco Belinelli Hornets jersey.
People much smarter than myself have spoken on Donald Sterling than I could ever hope to (seriously, listen to that; thank you, Bomani). Here’s my take: Donald Sterling should not lose his team because of something he got caught saying on tape. That is not the reason he is losing the Clippers. He’s losing it because he’s human excrement who has done actual, real racist shit that destroys lives. The NBA is an exclusive, private club and can kick members out as it pleases, and Sterling’s history of cretinous actions more than justifies the NBA’s decision. I think that the world will be a better place when Donald Sterling no longer inhabits it.
The question is, how do we solve this situation as quickly and cleanly as possible? Well, we here at Suits and 40s have our own solution. Normally, I don’t advocate for the death penalty or executions in general. It is a gruesome, unnecessary measure that disproportionately targets minorities and has killed far too many innocent people for my liking. HOWEVER, I think this idea carries promise. Look: Donald Sterling is on the way out. He has cancer, and 80-year-olds don’t normally fare well with such things. However, he is going to fight this in court as long as possible. As the most tenured owner in the league, he must have an intimate knowledge with the pile of skeletons in the NBA’s closet. Adam Silver does NOT want those bodies to come out in public view.
As I said earlier, I think the world will be better off without him. That is why I suggest to America, the NBA and the world that we execute Donald Sterling. Execution via LeBron James dunking on him.
Here’s how we set up the dunk of the year: Adam Silver has a meeting with Sterling. Silver tells Sterling that he will have one opportunity to keep his team. Sterling must beat a team of NBA players in 5-on-5 basketball in a Space Jam-type scenario. “Look, Donald, you don’t even have to be like Michael Jordan and carry the team to victory. You’ll have four NBA players on your side. As long as your TEAM wins while you’re out there, you can come into the league office tomorrow and piss on a picture of MLK.” This would probably be enough to win over Sterling. “So I can win my team back AND look like Michael Jordan to the public? The
help blacks couldn’t help but love me again!”
Of course, there are a few obstacles. First, LeBron James doesn’t strike me as a person who would willingly end the life of another person. However, he’s already given very strong words in support of removing the Sterlings from the league. Something tells me if Donald Sterling was trying to take a charge in the restricted area, Bron Bron would flush it. We also have to convince other NBA players to play on the same team as Sterling. We obviously couldn’t tell them the stakes of the game, or that it is an elaborate setup. We just have to say, “Trust us. We know you’re not happy to be playing next to this monster. This is happening for a reason. Just go out there, play ball, and you’ll see why eventually.” Once they’re on board, we have the scene. Now we just need the actors.
To properly set the stage for the riveting court case (PUN) of LeBron’s Nuts v. Sterling’s Face, we (it’s all we from here because this game is for ‘MERICA) need the proper players on both teams. For LeBron’s team, you obviously start with King James himself. How you gonna have Bron dunk on somebody if he ain’t out on the motherfuckin’ court? Besides him, we’re going to need the right combination of players to give LeBron a clean driving lane to meet Sterling at the rim. As LeBron’s actual team, the Heat, know so well, spacing is critical to this. That’s why we need two deadeye shooting guards to keep help defenders out of the paint. So we go through the phone directory until we get to “Splash” and give a call to the Steph Curry and Klay Thompson. Now that we have our backcourt, we’re going to need two other pieces who will help set the scene. I spent a while thinking of what would be the best screener for LeBron in this situation. I realized who would be great: DIRK. Dirk’s A+++++ shooting presents a problem in any scenario. But in pick-and-pops he has been known to fuck up all kinds of defensive principles. Assuming the big guarding the pick-and-pop stays attached to Dirk’s hip, LeBron should have a clear lane to get a full head of steam on his way to the paint. Now we need one final piece to the puzzle. We need a person who will be utterly useless from anywhere on the court except right next to the basket, thereby camping his ass down there and keeping his man there as well. Who can do this better than anybody? Who has the necessary experience of being an offensive wasteland? Why, hello there.
HAS THERE EVER BEEN ANYBODY MORE PERFECT FOR THIS JOB THAN PERK? Yes, the two key players in this team Perk ‘n Dirk. (As an aside, Perk ‘n Dirk should start a restaurant together where they sell pork and duck entrees. HOLY SHIT PERK ‘N DIRK NEEDS TO HAPPEN TOMORROW.) As an added bonus, just imagine Sterling having to guard Perk in general. We could have Perk just being mean as fuck to him for the entire game if Sterling survives dunk #1. I bet that Perk would even push Sterling toward LeBron as James came down the lane. Perk is the best.
Now that we have Team Dunk on Donald, we need Sterling’s teammates. Obviously, Donald “Black people stink and Mexicans drink all day” Sterling will be out there. The next most important components will be the guys guarding the screening action. For LeBron’s man, we need someone who THINKS they can still guard him, but can’t actually. I nominate Tayshaun Prince. He’ll put in a game effort, but shit, man, when you’re old you’re just old. As far as the big man is concerned, we need someone who understands defense and isn’t trained in dropping back on picks. As such, bigs like Roy Hibbert or Joakim Noah can’t make the cut, as they’re too used to sagging into the paint to cut off lanes to the rim. Interestingly, I’d say the best fit for creating a LeBron-Sterling poster would be LeBron’s teammate Chris Bosh. Bosh comes from a hyper-aggressive Miami scheme that traps hard on ballhandlers in screens. However, he’s also a smart defender, so Bosh will ease on the trapping to stay attached to Dirk, thus opening the lane for LeBron. As far as the guards, I decided we need two guys who actively try on defense and understand principles, but also won’t provide rim protection. I think Mike Conley and J.J. Redick would do just fine. Redick isn’t a great on-ball defender, but he understands his role and won’t sag off far from either Curry or Thompson.
With these pieces in place, we just need Team Bron to run a high pick-and-pop with James/Dirk, and then watch history happen. With Perkins hanging out under the rim, we’re ready for prime time. I’m looking for some combination of Damon Jones, Jason Terry and Paul Millsap. Boom. LeBron dunks, Sterling passes away, racism in America is fixed forever and ever. If Sterling somehow gets up after the first one, we just call “Make ’em Take ’em” and run that shit back. If Team LeBron somehow gets to 15 points and Sterling’s still alive, well then we just ban him from the league anyways. But, still: let’s make this happen. For America. For basketball. For all the minorities’ lives that Donald Sterling has irreparably damaged. Let’s put LeBron’s nuts on Donald Sterling’s head for them.