This picture sums up my food from yesterday:
I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Karl, we didn’t know Suits and 40s did an IPO and now you’re a millionaire. Why aren’t you sharing these dollars with the streets? The fam ain’t eatin’ cheddar biscuits.” HOWEVER, you’ll be surprised to know that this entire buffet of nutrient-rich, muscle-building gourmet cooking only cost me $8.77. Let’s break the cost of this bad boy down line-by-line:
- Papa John’s Large 3-Topping Pizza (Pick-up): $8.77 (50% off original price)
- McDonald’s Medium Fries: FO’ FREE.
But how can one get these rare, highly valued goods at such excellent prices? I’ma answer that rhetorical question with one word: TyrekeBall. TyrekeBall is the basketball-like game that Tyreke Evans engages in whenever he is on an NBA court. TyrekeBall uses most of basketball’s rules, but with a few minor tweaks:
- Carrying is not only allowed but encouraged. If you get called for carrying, don’t fret. It just means you’re less likely to get called on that next time down.
- Running any play except an iso will result in a fine from Tyreke Evans, who happens to also be commissioner of TyrekeBall™.
- Jump shots are only to be executed after you have dribbled at least 6 times. A teammate who spots up after Tyreke has completed said 6 dribbles and passed to them will have fines reimbursed at the end of the season.
- Passing to teammates is optional, but encouraged if you can pull off a sick behind-the-head-wrap-around after drawing multiple help defenders or doing a pass of equal or greater value.
- (VERY IMPORTANT) Every time you check into a game you MUST attempt at least one spin move. Preferably while driving to the basket at high speeds. Failure to do so will result in an automatic suspension, length up to Commissioner Evans’s discretion.
Monday night I attended the New Orleans Pelicans’ 101-89 victory against the Oklahoma City Thunder. For the 17,024 (Ed. note: hahahahahaha) in attendance, the game became a religious experience in the gospel of TyrekeBall. While my friend and I had come to the arena for Durant, we stayed for the Tyreke. Last night, Evans showed once again why he is the best TyrekeBall player on the planet:
He did it all. There’s the one-man fast breaks, the repeated and 1s, even a pull up three for funsies. My favorite is the move on Durant at 0:38. Oh, just a little one handed through-the-legs into an inside out dribble that leaves this year’s MVP wrong-footed. He just did it over and over again. It helped that Scott Brooks kept on letting Derek Fisher guard Tyreke. I assume Scott was in the championship week of his TyrekeBall fantasy league and needed to a big game. Well, Scott, you got one. 41 points, 9 boards and 8 assists.
Here are the awards we’ll give out from Monday night’s game, broken into two categories: Mr. Fortyhands and Mr. Broken Bottles.
MR. FORTYHANDS: Tyreke Evans
Well, duh. Did you see that motherfucking stat line I just put down? Tyreke also got to the line 16 times. I think he drew somewhere around infinity fouls on the Thunder. That’s what happens when nobody can stop you from getting to the rim. There were times this year where I legitimately thought Tyreke Evans was aware of my Twitter profile, and did stuff just to watch me live-tweet a conniption, all for his own amusement. However, other nights he turns into an exhibition of dribbles and high-difficulty finishing at the rim. I know in my heart of hearts that these kind of performances aren’t something to hang one’s hat on every night, but boy, is it sure fun to watch. And isn’t this the perfect game for TyrekeBall? 81st game of the season, other team coming off of a back-to-back, and everybody on Tyreke’s team is out with injury. I’m sure someone went up to Tyreke and said, “Well, looks like you’re gonna be surrounded by guys who don’t mind standing there while you dribble to the hole on every play. Whaddya think, Reke?”
MR. BROKEN BOTTLES: Kevin Durant
Poor Kevin. He had just finished playing against the Pacers the night before, which is never a fun ordeal for any human being. Then he comes here and has to deal with the LOCKDOWN DEFENSE of Darius Miller. He got 25-7-6, but that was a really tough 25. He shot 9-23 from the field and even missed two free throws. The Pelicans played some pretty good defense, but nothing extraordinary. Sometimes the shots just don’t fall, even for those of us who are video game characters designed to break the physics of basketball. I’ll come back next year to see you again, though, Kevin.
MR. BROKEN BOTTLES: Dippin’ Dots
I got some Dippin’ Dots at the game because the turn up is always real. The ice cream was about the same as eight-year-old Karl remembers. The sad part was that it’s just advertised as ice cream now. It’s not the ice cream of the future anymore. I guess that means now is the future, though, so there’s that.
MR. FORTYHANDS: Darius Miller
Darius Miller only had 10 points, but he also had the unenviable task of guarding Kevin Durant. We threw different guys at KD throughout the game, and of course no one person guards Durant by himself. However, Miller gave a very good effort and had KD take a few bad shots. Miller also had 5 assists and 4 steals. Most of all, Miller had the most clutch moment in the game. With the Pelicans up 98-89 with 32 seconds left, the game was in hand. Only one question remained: would our heroes get to 100 points and get all those in attendance free McDonald’s fries the next day? Well, the Thunder inbound the ball to KD, he sees the defense shift over, and he passes it to the other wing…ONLY TO HAVE DARIUS TIYON MILLER STEAL IT AND DUNK THE BALL. HE DID IT FOR THE FRIES, NEW ORLEANS. THIS IS A MAN THAT HAS BOUGHT INTO THE CITY. I BET HE LISTENS TO “DA DROUGHT 3” EVERY DAY BEFORE HE GOES TO PRACTICE.
MR. FORTYHANDS: My life
After four games this year, I finally got to see the Pelicans win in person. I also got to see Tyreke Evans destroy a Finals contender by himself. But most importantly, I got those free fries and then that 50% off Papa John’s because the Pelicans won. I think I’m going to start a TyrekeBall camp to help young kids learn how spin moves really are a metaphor for high school. Yeah, that’s a good way to spend my summer.