CHARLES BARKLEY + SNAKE AND JAKE’S. THIS IS THE OBJECTIVE.

Residents of New Orleans and the greater metro area, I come to you with a simple plan.

The plan involves getting this man:

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to go to this bar:

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WE MUST GET CHARLES BARKLEY, THE FUNNIEST HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET, TO TURN THE FUCK UP AT SNAKE AND JAKE’S. In case you’re unawares, Mr. Barkley will be in town this weekend for the All-Star festivities. I’m sure he’ll be galavanting around New Orleans. In case you’re even more unawares, Snake and Jake’s is a bar Uptown. It’s dinghy, it’s dirty and it doesn’t get fun until 2 AM. More importantly, it’s OUR bar. It accepts and houses all sorts of New Orleanians. Hey, frat bro, mad that your very intricate strategy of grinding on 37 asses in the Boot and the Palms didn’t work out for you tonight before they closed? SNAKES WAS THERE FOR YOU. Oh, hello there, hipster. You just walked by said Boot and Palms, stared for a moment before releasing a sigh and sending a tweet out about how the bars represent everything wrong with the monoculture. Now you’re mad that tweet has gotten no RTs and 1 favorite and that was from your aunt who favorites every one of your tweets. AIN’T NO THANG, SNAKES GOT A SCHLITZ READY FOR YOU. Oh, you’re a 46-year-old career musician, and you want to see old friends and maybe even make some new ones? WHAT YOU THINK SNAKES CHANGED? NAH PLAYBOI, SNAKES AIN’T CHANGE.

When I’ve floated this Chuck + Snakes idea to friends, some respond with, “Eh, that doesn’t really seem to be his crowd. Too hipster-y” Does this seem like a man who couldn’t get down with the eclectic Snakes crowd? Furthermore, the hipster crowd is precisely how we can appeal the Snakes move to Chuck: it’s a bar where you can turn up and avoid all the celebrity hounding. All those fucking hipsters will either A.) have no god damn idea who he is, or B.) see him, but say, “He was overrated. I’ve always been more into Mark McNamara anyways.”

I don’t give a shit how this happens, but it has to be a communal effort. We all have to go downtown and find Chuck. CHECK THE CASINOS. If you see him, go up to him and tell him to go to Snake and Jake’s. Give him all the bullet points as to why he should be there after all the NBA player parties end and it’s 4 AM and he’s still got drinking to do. Send me a text and then I’ll commandeer a car and drive there and double park (it wasn’t my car) and drive the point home. WE CAN SELL THIS TO BARKLEY, NEW ORLEANS. 

DO THE RIGHT THING. CHUCK + SNAKES 2014.

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