The Real gangstas of sports ranked

Since anyone who Brian Billick sees arguing on the sidelines is liable to get accused of having character issues, it’s important to provide some context on who actually showed gangsta tendencies. This list shows that gangstas come in all different types. Some made the list for in-game actions and others got on because they did something reckless in the offseason. But Suits and 40’s wants to take some time to celebrate all the real G’s in sports.

  1. Allen “we talkin’ about practice” Iverson

His press conference rant against the evils of practice alone wasn’t the only reason he’s made this list. AI pretty much singlehandedly scared David Stern in creating the dress code by showing up wearing…well, pretty much whatever the fuck he felt like when he was talking to the media. In addition to being the last NBA player who would have considered rocking FUBU at a press conference he also just straight up emasculated  Tyronn Lue in the single most gangsta cross over of all time.  Rumor has it, Lue still has nightmares about this night and wakes up in a cold sweat screaming as he checks his ankles to make sure Iverson didn’t break them again. AI is like the Freddie Kruger of shaking defenders, you’re not even safe in your sleep. Iversons’ momma ain’t a joke either. No one keeps Philadelphia area journalists on point with their fact checking like she does. This is the early version of “Get some facts and come back and see me.”

  1. Steve Smith

Smith is unique on this list because he’s the only one who made it on without any actual legal trouble. His post-game trash talk and his commitment to fighting anybody over anything was enough to verify his gangstadom alone. In fact take a moment to go through the first page of Youtube search results. The fact that no one has put all his fights with cornerbacks together into one hour long video is a goddamn shame. My personal favorite is his one game feud with Janoris Jenkins. He gets him in the game by Mossing him and getting a TD, addresses the conflict in the post game interview and said that Jenkins used Google to get personal information for trash talk fodder, then comes back a few days later to say that Jenkins doesn’t use condoms as often as he should.  And, upon further review it turns out that Smith just has a problem with defenders named Jenkins. That’s why he’s a gangsta, though. He gets hit, takes time to celebrate and grabs the nearest person in a black jersey and tries to twist their head off like a muthafuckin bottle cap. Remember when Stone Cold Steve Austin would just show up in the ring with beers in his hand and hit the Stunner on everyone in the ring whether they deserved it or not? Yeah, Steve Smith is that in wide receiver form and if that’s not gangsta I don’t know what is.

  1. Ugeth Urbina

Urbina is pretty unique on the list since no one else mentioned has ever gone to the police for help but we’ll overlook that move since it was to save his mother. Apparently the former Phillies closer lives in Venezuela where kidnappings are fairly common. So when his mom goes missing and the kidnappers demand $6 million in ransom Urbina just waited them out until the anti kidnapping unit could rescue her five months later. How much of a mothafuckin G do you have to be hit with a pricey but payable $ 6 million ransom and your response to the kid nappers is “Naw son, I’m good. If ya’ll was some real killers she’d be dead by now”? Gangstas don’t just bend to the demands of others, even if momma is involved. That would have eared him an honorable mention but his drunken response to a theft is what puts him at #8. I would say that accusing your workers of stealing a gun and then rounding them up while threatening to set them on fire is pretty high up on the list of Machiavellian shit you could do. He loses points for the sloppy execution and the tired “I was sleep when it happened” excuse but that’s still some gangsta shit.

7. OJ

Poor, poor OJ. Man, he had it all. He had the Heisman, the hall of fame NFL career and the only thing that kept him from losing his freedom was the fact that he apparently likes to commit murders wearing gloves that are two sizes too small. (As a member of the black community I’m obliged to point out that OJ was acquitted of these charges by a jury of his peers and that after the way they did Rodney King, I’m willing to call it even with the LA criminal court.) But the second trial is what lands him on the list. It was gangsta and stupid on so many levels. OJ, old and salty because he doesn’t  have his memorabilia anymore, rolls into the spot of a man who bought it with some people who looked to be at least triple OG’s. This old ass motley crew looks like they used to bootleg alcohol and run the streets with Frank Lucas but age don’t mean a thing when Orenthal calls you up and tells you its time to hit a lick. OJ didn’t know when to quit. He had beat a murder rap once; instead of disappearing from the face of the earth he had the nerve to front like he was still looking for the real killer while planning a half assed robbery with cohorts who were AARP members. The robbery failed, OJ is in jail and while he sits in his cell he can at least know he made my list.

6. The whole 04-05 Pacers Squad

Ever feel like its you against the world? Well instead of fighting the world, the Pacer fought all of Detroit. And the scary part is, they pretty much won.  Stephen Jackson will fight you in the stands, Jermaine O’Neal will fight you on the court and Ron Ron will tackle you even if you’re not the one who threw the cup. That squad gave a negative fuck about your safety when shit hit the fan. These are the cats you want to go to war with. Before Ron Artest stated kickin it with a therapist he was liable to do anything, including fight an entire section of an arena by himself. And Jackson was probably looking of a reason to fight anyway. To this day I’m still looking for a place to buy a free Artest shirt but until then I’ll just make sure to say Queensbridge as often as I can. But this whole thing was nothing to Artest. At least no one got stabbed with a table leg.

  1. Stephen Jackson

He got referenced earlier but goddamnit he needs his own spot on the list of gangstas. He pulled out a gun and fired warning shots in response to getting in a car accident. A dumber gangsta would have fired the rounds at the guy and gotten an attempted murder charge but no, Jackson is steps ahead of the game so when he pops the trunk on you, he makes sure its a misdemeanor, not a felony. Also, he choked out Steve Francis like Dylan did to Wyclef in the “Making the Band” skit on Chapelle’s show.  And it sounds like he just choked him for fun, he was just feeling it at the time. Everybody should have that one person they can call on when its time to throw hands and back up is needed. Jackson is that guy for whoever his teammates are at the time. As a current member of the Clippers, if CP3 gets into it at the club, we know who’ll be on speed dial. I’d imagine that when he shows up he already has his windows rolled down blasting his “we getting ready throw down” play list. And I know this song has to be on the play list at some point. 

  1. Barry Bonds

Unlike the others on the list, Bonds hasn’t really fought anybody except Jeff Kent, never fired a gun and has never been charged with drug possession. But, even if he did, that wouldn’t matter. Because in true gangsta fashion Bonds has found a way to keep everybody in his camp quiet. Other than his angry ex wife, who in his inner circle has incriminated him? Bonds got that hush money for days. That’s how gangstas do, we all know what they did but there’s never enough to get a conviction in court. People knew Al Capone was a bootlegger and people know Bonds probably lied about taking steroids. But when it got put in front of the jury nothing could stick…except tax evasion. Tax evasion is the most gangsta crime you can commit since it basically means you told Uncle Sam to fuck off when he came to collect. And it’s the crime that got Cappone jail time. And Barry mostly side stepped that too, only getting house arrest. True gangstas stay out of significant jail time.

  1. Sam Hurd

Hurd is currently serving a 15 year sentence that has affectively ended his playing career that started in 2006. Even though true gangstas stay out of jail I’ll give him credit for going out big. This dude was moving weight. And not on some sketchy-dude-on-the-corner shit. During the 2011 NFL lockout he was making moves to be a goddamn king pin. He was setting up networks. Across state lines. All in the course of one goddamn offseason. This is why you can’t give football players too much time to think. You cancel a few pre season games and they start thinking they can be on that Breaking Bad level for real. And if it weren’t for the fact that he didn’t have a burner cell phone he could just dispose of when the heat was on he could be raking it in right now. Hurd was trying to live the American dream and fell short but no one embraced America like the next gangsta on the list.

  1. Don “Only in America” King

Don King has been called a lot of things. A crook, an uncle tom, the world biggest enthusiast of tiny flags, but no one ever mentions the fact that he’s killed people. One was a justifiable homicide when someone was shot trying to rob him of money that probably came from his illegal bookmakig operation. Then King killed again by stomping someone out for $600. It also needs to be acknowledged that King, another triple OG, probably knew some of the old time gangstas who helped OJ in his attempt to get pictures of himself back. So in addition to the money he allegedly stole from the only boxer crazy enough to bite another man’s ear off, he also has two deaths that are credited to him. And no one talks about it because we get distracted by the fact that this old man is still out here on that only-in-America flag waving hustle he’s been on for the last 150 years.

  1. Marvin Harrison

You know what, uh, I’m not too comfortable talking about…Mr. Harrison in such direct terms based on what I saw in this E60 report.  I’ll just leave that there without comment and enjoy the fact that he hasn’t sent the goons out to get me.

Honorable Mentions:

Leon-I don’t care if he was a fictional character Budwiser created in the early 2000’s. No one kept it realer

Nolan Ryan-He threw in the mid 90’s until he was in his mid 90’s and if you’ve ever thought about rushing the mound to fight him, you should reconsider.

Rasheed Wallace-He got ejected for staring too hard. Who else can get thrown out for eye contact?


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